For some time now i haven't been able to update my blog due to loss of time, opportunity and the lack of zest to do anything productive. I've been busy (yeah, right!) and this made it impossible for me write anything on-line. Well, I write during free time (most likely random thoughts while on the floor) which happens during the first hour of my shift. What's been happening lately, you might ask? Well, uhm, I'd say i am bothered by a lot of things (kelan ba hindi?), things that tries to poke my head with the realities of life that i seem to keep on forgetting. The thing is, i've been feeling indifferent lately. It's almost like walking without any idea where to go, just a waste of space in the earth, in short, a zombie in disguise of a casual dress up to look "normal" in the eyes of people. That would probably describe how i am these days. I am in the middle of nothingness (if there is such a thing), following the flow of nature. I don't feel alive to be honest. I'm just... there. I exist without really knowing why. I don't know if this typically happen to everyone who's been feeling low or just feeling indifferent depending on the mood or have been feeling tired doing the same old routine (things we should know now by heart but due to selective amnesia, could not remember things even if this have been happening like forever). There are times i just don't want to move at all. I don't know if this is happening because of lack of proper sleep or something. I feel the need to do something to make me feel human again.
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I've been watching some videos of the recent reunion concert of the eraserheads and i feel so envious of those who were able to watch. I'm thinking how magical it would've felt just to be there seeing the band perform after a long time, singing the songs we grew up with, it would be magical, I'm sure. Almost like a dream, surreal... All i could do now is watch in envy how it must've felt to be there... Thanks to youtube! I'm glad Ely's in a stable condition right now. Thank God!
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I went to that place again this morning after work. I know i've been seeing the same scenario for quite some time now but everytime i go there it never fails to make me question why it's always the same. Why it smells of human stench, of garbage, and of sampaguitas as well. I wonder if those people never got tired of being there, of doing the same thing everyday, of waiting for people who will feel sympathetic of the life they live... of being stuck on something you never dream of (or was it their choice at all?), come to think of it, we all have choices but how come we never get the best of it? I usually go there once every week (to get my weekly dose of... i don't know how to describe it, peace of mind? a dose of reality check? to make myself grateful of the life i live? I'm not sure) and the thing is, I get distracted most of the time and I'd be asking why am i there at all. Was i attracted to the reality they live in? The risk of being there in the wee hours of the morning, the lively atmosphere they have despite the unusual number of people, of what they could be thinking perhaps on how to live the next day. I dunno...
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Earlier, there was a girl seated next to me using the web cam and i was greatly tempted to bang my head to the monitor i am using because i am terribly distracted by the loudness of her voice when she used the mic to talk to her relatives. I don't know if there was something wrong with the volume or something but boy, she did talk too loud. I'm not sure if i am the only one who was feeling discomfort by it, though. I feel irritated by the way she spoke baby words to her kid (uh, do we really need to baby talk when speaking to kids? are they able to understand adults at all when they try to do that?) I also got pissed 'coz imeem wasn't properly working and i had to endure listening to her voice. Thankfully, imeem on friendster did work but for a short time. At least there was a break from her voice! Anyway, after chatting with her peeps, i saw her chatting with a foreign guy (they were using the web cam and i don't usually mind other people whenever i'm doing my thing but i just turned to look for curiosity), a guy with dark features like an arab guy or something and i wonder what they talked about. Haay.. thankfully, I'm done with all that chatting with strangers. It doesn't excite me at all now. While the other girl was busy chatting, the girl to my left was busy checking out guys on friendster and checking out photos of semi-naked girls in provocative postures and all.
I honestly don't like it when i'm in between of people doing their private pleasure on the net. (The way I don't want them doing the same with me.) I'd rather take the station on the corner and do whatever fancies me. See, if something caught my attention, no matter how irksome they could be or what not, i write about it to the point that it seems pointless wasting internet time, don't you think? Those girls gave me ideas! hehe Which is probably a good thing, I did get to write (wala nga lang point).
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I was able to catch a radio interview with Rico Blanco the other day during a cd review with Francis Brew. It's been a long time since i listened to anything close to an interview made by Francis Brew and luckily it was with Rico B. He has a new cd out (i don't remember the title) now and he was there last monday to talk about the new changes he's been going through. I really thought it'd take him a long time to make music again but apparently i was surprised how early it took him to make a new album. I thought it would take him years and surprise people of his decision to make a come-back or something.
His new album pretty much reflects an 80's groove on it and he said it was the kind of music he listened to when he was young. I'm missing the music the way rivermaya makes it when he was still the vocalist. Iba lang talaga ung dating pag sila, eh. I dunno. There's something about the way a group does it when they know each other's style of doing something. The sound of his album is totally different on how he was with the rivermaya so i guess it's something people could look out for. He also missed watching the eheads concert because he had a fever. He's a big eheads fan and too bad a lot of people missed it (including me!). For me he's also like Ely, he's also a great musician and a song writer who did create influences and made a difference in our mundane life.
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Today is my brother's birthday. I'm not going to write an ode for him or something just because it's his birthday but i've been meaning to write about him for a long time. I don't know how to describe our relationship now. All i can say is that we're two strangers living on the same place we call home but wanting to leave the place. I always see him everyday but not a single word comes out of our lips to utter anything, nothing at all. (parang ganto din ung sitwasyon ko sa office...) Not even a greeting or a nod of acknowledging someone's presence. It sounds pathetic, don't you think? To be connected by blood to someone and not mind them at all. Life's beginning to be meaningless for me. With this kind of situation i'm in, you'd probably say the same. To be with a family with little affection at all. It sounds so sad to living the life i live, don't you think? You'd wonder how long we've been like this and how do we survive each day doing the same thing for years. It all started years ago. That's how i remember it. It started unexpectedly, it just happened the way i think it was meant to be. (Or was it just me who thinks that way?) That i'd one day stop doing the things i did for him. That was how it started. I wanted him to suffer my silence because i could not confront him with my words. I really hope one day we could find a time to patch things up, i know we can't go back on how we were but could start anew.
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I wonder what's in store for me. I've been planning and waiting for things to happen but neither of those plans and hopes happened. Because i think it was for me to decide if i wanted to take that big leap or not. It's a wonder why i am being complicated when it comes to a certain someone. I don't know why i bother to be bothered by things, by having cold feet, of being nice to people but not to most people.. isn't that strange? Of Having a different personality whenever you're faced with something you can't control about yourself.
I wanted to kick myself over wasted opportunities, of strange smiles across a crowd, of wanting to belong but could not, of longing of something you're not sure if that is what you really want, of thinking of what ifs and could've beens, the strange feeling you feel when that person starts doing something unusual and it made you smile or your heart begins to flutter, of wanting to hear some else's voice and with just that you feel strangely comfortable (like a lullaby for sleep), of needing the assurance that that person's there but you do not (for pete's sake! why?!) acknowledge it, of wanting to see that smile on his/her face and that would totally blew you away, of wanting too much of something and not having anything at all...
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'Ber' months na naman. Is it just me o talagang ang OA sa lamig ngayon?!
